I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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