why didn't you poke me back
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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