i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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