Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
