I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
