Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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