I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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