seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
