The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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