I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
