the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
