So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
