the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
