The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
