Just fell off a train. Bad.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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