fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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