I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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