How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
