shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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