also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
