please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
