dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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