just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
