Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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