i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
