he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
