yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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