You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
