There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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