FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
