you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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