I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
