all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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