Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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