I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
