dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
