shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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