Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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