You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
