A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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