I just threw up on my dentist
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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