My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
