I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
