the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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