he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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