Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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