this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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