I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
