I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
