I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
