How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So much rum. So many feels.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
