i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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