Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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