we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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