I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
