TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
