First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
