I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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