i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
