So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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