yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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