Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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