a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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