On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
