She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I want her autograph on my taint
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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